my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
