Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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