I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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