I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
