Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
