It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
