I just cut my nipple shaving
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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