Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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