Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
farters have to be the big spoon...
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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