Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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