I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
