So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
