1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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