The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
