According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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