I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
