Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
