some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
