hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize