My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
