Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
