You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
