apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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