Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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