I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
