mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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