You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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