why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
