i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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