Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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