well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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