Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
