I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
