Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
