There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
