I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
