I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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