how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
