If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
