i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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