How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
