I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
