I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
why do cheetos always look like penises
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
