I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
