i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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