She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
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