im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
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