Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
