I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
