This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
