Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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