can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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