i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize