i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
