and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
