I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
