i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
