He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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