I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
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