I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
